The Cloud

I experienced The Cloud long before Baby E was born.  Sometimes I would start my day with it looming over my head.  Other days it would slowly cover up the sun that started my day and continue to linger over my head until bedtime.  That is the best way I know how to explain it - like a cloud hanging over my head. 

I knew that with Baby E being born The Cloud had the possibility of coming back and in a way that I had never experienced before.  I thought about this often while pregnant and it went to the forefront of my mind when a couple months ago a sweet young mother from north Texas went missing and then was soon found lifeless.  Her family claimed that she suffered from The Cloud and even though they do not believe that this is what took her life, her story still resonated with me as a soon-to-be mommy at the time. 

The thing about The Cloud is that it is often invisible.  Many people have it hanging over their heads through life and no one ever knows.  Some clouds are darker and might be more obvious while others are so light and high functioning that the person dealing with it may suffer their whole lives with no one knowing unless they choose to share. 

Men and women both can have clouds – even when it comes to babies.

The Cloud did come when we brought Baby E home.  I have never felt homesick in my own home before, but that is the best way I can describe how I felt for at least the first two weeks with having a newborn.  I was home, but it felt different in every way.  In fact, I would do housework like laundry and the dishes (even though they say not to worry about housework and others offered to help) just to feel a bit of the “old normal”.  It was the only part of my life that I felt hadn’t changed.  Baby blues and rollercoaster hormones definitely came in to play, but lasted longer than I thought they would.  Thoughts like “my life is over” and “I have nothing to look forward to” came into my head often.  The stress of spending time with a newborn all day started every morning when I woke up.  I knew my baby is a precious gift and I loved him very much, but I just couldn’t shake The Cloud.  I brought this up with my OBGYN at my six week postpartum checkup.  She made some suggestions that helped me and I am doing much better these days.  If you are a new mom, be open and honest with your OBGYN.  Even if you are embarrassed about how you are feeling or feel like no rational person would feel/think that way.  I guarantee that whatever you are feeling/thinking many other new moms have gone through the same thing.  You are not alone!

If The Cloud is part of your life (in any capacity), please do not deal with it alone.  Let someone know.  It might be a friend, family member, doctor, pastor, counselor, coworker, etc.  Whatever you are going through, someone has gone through it before!  Don’t be embarrassed to ask for help and accept it in whatever form it takes.  You are worth it!

Buzz Ya Later,

Whit