The Cloud

I experienced The Cloud long before Baby E was born.  Sometimes I would start my day with it looming over my head.  Other days it would slowly cover up the sun that started my day and continue to linger over my head until bedtime.  That is the best way I know how to explain it - like a cloud hanging over my head. 

I knew that with Baby E being born The Cloud had the possibility of coming back and in a way that I had never experienced before.  I thought about this often while pregnant and it went to the forefront of my mind when a couple months ago a sweet young mother from north Texas went missing and then was soon found lifeless.  Her family claimed that she suffered from The Cloud and even though they do not believe that this is what took her life, her story still resonated with me as a soon-to-be mommy at the time. 

The thing about The Cloud is that it is often invisible.  Many people have it hanging over their heads through life and no one ever knows.  Some clouds are darker and might be more obvious while others are so light and high functioning that the person dealing with it may suffer their whole lives with no one knowing unless they choose to share. 

Men and women both can have clouds – even when it comes to babies.

The Cloud did come when we brought Baby E home.  I have never felt homesick in my own home before, but that is the best way I can describe how I felt for at least the first two weeks with having a newborn.  I was home, but it felt different in every way.  In fact, I would do housework like laundry and the dishes (even though they say not to worry about housework and others offered to help) just to feel a bit of the “old normal”.  It was the only part of my life that I felt hadn’t changed.  Baby blues and rollercoaster hormones definitely came in to play, but lasted longer than I thought they would.  Thoughts like “my life is over” and “I have nothing to look forward to” came into my head often.  The stress of spending time with a newborn all day started every morning when I woke up.  I knew my baby is a precious gift and I loved him very much, but I just couldn’t shake The Cloud.  I brought this up with my OBGYN at my six week postpartum checkup.  She made some suggestions that helped me and I am doing much better these days.  If you are a new mom, be open and honest with your OBGYN.  Even if you are embarrassed about how you are feeling or feel like no rational person would feel/think that way.  I guarantee that whatever you are feeling/thinking many other new moms have gone through the same thing.  You are not alone!

If The Cloud is part of your life (in any capacity), please do not deal with it alone.  Let someone know.  It might be a friend, family member, doctor, pastor, counselor, coworker, etc.  Whatever you are going through, someone has gone through it before!  Don’t be embarrassed to ask for help and accept it in whatever form it takes.  You are worth it!

Buzz Ya Later,

Whit

It Takes Two!

From the beginning of a pregnancy, it takes two to tango.  I feel as women we put the pressure on ourselves to get pregnant, stay pregnant, birth a healthy baby, feed baby, raise baby, etc.  At the end of the day, we realize that we could not get pregnant without someone else, but we still put all the pressure on ourselves. 

                

If I have learned anything these first few weeks of having baby home, it’s that it takes TWO – sometimes 3, 4, 5, or more!  I was pretty self-sufficient during my pregnancy.  Occasionally (ok daily) I would ask for a foot/back rub.  I might need someone to drive me to Andy’s – basically lived there during my pregnancy.  Try their Key Lime Pie Concrete before the end of this month!  For the most part, I felt that I could keep baby fed, warm, and comfortable in my womb.  When baby was born, everything changed!

               

For the first few hours, my epidural was wearing off, so I could not get out of bed to change baby or get him out of his bassinet.  Duke was the sole caretaker at that time.  In fact, Duke was doing such a great job, I let him change ALL of the diapers while we were in the hospital.  Why mess with a good thing?? J

               

When Duke left the room for the first time to go load up the car (two days after baby was born), I freaked out!  Baby was sleeping in his bassinet, but immediately began to stir when Duke left.  I had never even lifted him out of the bassinet.  I was able to get baby out and soothe him, but I was extremely relieved when Duke got back from the car.   Side note – hospital bassinets are extremely awkward to get baby in and out of. 

               

Once we were home, I found that everything from feeding to changing to comforting took two!  While feeding, I needed someone to hold baby’s arm so that he would not strong arm me when I was trying to get him to latch.  At first, dirty diaper changes needed two – one holding down legs while the other did the dirty work.  Comforting at times took a tag team effort when Player 1 needed a break.   About a week in, I found out baby wasn’t transferring enough during feedings, so I needed to pump after most feedings to be able to supplement.  I couldn’t settle baby and pump at the same time – enter Player 2!  Also, with pumping and bottle feeding to supplement, there were more “dirty dishes” to clean multiple times daily then we used to have in a week!

              

I knew before Duke returned to work that it was “easier” with two, but I felt the full extent of that on Day 3 alone with baby when he was restless and fussy most of the day.  It is amazing how demanding a tiny human can be.  It is EXTREMELY important to have a supportive partner when carrying, birthing, and/or raising a child.  Partners you are SO IMPORTANT!  You may not be the one carrying baby, birthing baby, or able to breastfeed baby (There are some precious memories that I will have of breastfeeding, BUT I wish that partners magically had the ability to also breastfeed when baby is born!), BUT you are VITAL, NECESSARY, WANTED, NEEDED, etc.  Don’t underestimate your importance in this baby’s and your partner’s life. 

Buzz Ya Later,

Whit

Pour some sugar on me...or not

       I feel like it is common knowledge that being a parent is difficult, but can also be the most rewarding thing to happen in life.  I don’t feel that parents often go into detail about what they mean by “difficult”.  From the pictures of perfectly happy infants on Facebook (yes, there is one of mine too so I am not judging!), it seems that babies are happy, sleepy, and smiley all the time, right??

            When I was visiting my brother and sister-in-law shortly after they had my nephew (pre-baby for me), my sister-in-law said something along the lines of “Everyone sugar coated it for me and I have decided I am not going to sugar coat it for anyone else.  Being a parent is hard.”  I don’t think she knows how powerful those words were.  They stuck with me – obviously!  They are powerful because they are true and they give hope. 

Here is a small glimpse into one moment in my world as a new parent -

Wake baby to feed (because it has been a few hours)

Baby starts crying

Put baby to breast

Baby screams head off

Try different hold

Try different breast

Baby gets more upset

Looks to husband with expression that says “HELP!”

Husband takes baby to calm him

Husband feeds baby from bottle once calm

I am close to tears because I feel I have failed

Baby gets fed, calms down, and goes back to sleep

My head floods with questions/worries anyway -

Will baby ever breastfeed again?

What did I do wrong?

Will the next feeding go the same way?

Was he even hungry?

Should I have just let him sleep?

Is he gaining enough weight?

How can difficulty give hope?  The words that my sister-in-law spoke let me know that I am not the only mom/parent almost in tears and feeling helpless/hopeless at times.  I am not alone.  Every parent (even the smiley baby ones on Facebook) deal with a baby who seems inconsolable sometimes.  And my gosh there are smiley baby moments!  There are “easy” feedings and precious snuggles.  It is not always difficult, but when it is, it can be a challenge to see the light at the end of the tunnel. 

I have never been a glass half full person when it comes to my life.  I’m a little bit of a pessimist.  I used to feel like if I ever got happy and hopeful something would happen to shut down that happiness.  I have learned over the years though that I am so thankful for the difficult times because they make the good times SO MUCH BETTER!  I would take the smiles and snuggles for granted if I didn’t have the moments when I longed for them. 

You may not be a parent, but I am sure you can relate in some area of your life.  I’m not going to sugar coat it – life can be difficult, but you are not alone!  Do not be afraid to reach out and let someone know what you going through.  Ask for help!  Find someone to confide in!  If I have learned anything from becoming a parent, life is not meant to be accomplished by yourself!

Buzz Ya Later,

Whit

What's Your Purpose?

I was listening to a podcast the other day (The Fat Burning Man – Niyi Sobo: How to Think Like a Pro Athlete).  Niyi Sobo is a former professional football player.  He was commenting on superior athletes and the purposes that drove them.  He noted  the mundane practices that they had that led to their successes “on the field”.  He mentioned that there were times when they did not want to go to the grind.  He emphasized that it was a deeper purpose that got them out of bed every morning, motivated them to complete drills, inspired them to follow certain diets, etc.  Sometimes the purpose was to be a successful athlete or to make a lot of money.  Other times there was a deeper purpose.  He used Muhammad Ali as an example and said that Ali’s driving passion was not boxing, but was to inspire, help, and motivate inner city youth.  His high status in the boxing arena allowed him to have a significant positive impact on others.

I think the goal of our lives is to determine our purpose and to live our days pursuing activities that feed that purpose. 

An example - A college student may have the goal of one day owning her own coffee shop.  She pursues a business degree even though some of the courses may be dull and works at a variety of coffee shops part time in order to learn more about the business.  She may not be living her dream every day, but she is pursuing activities that feed her purpose.

Sometimes you are able to feed your purpose at a young age or on a daily basis.  Others have to wait patiently – maybe they feed it once a year on a special trip or their purpose is met at retirement or even later in life. 

For today, determine what your purpose is.  What are you working for?  What do you really want out of life?  Even if you can’t do it today, spend every day feeding that purpose and working toward it.

Your Own Cheerleader

“You got this, girl!”

“I am proud of you.”

“Stop shuffling your feet, babe.”

“Put your head up.”

“Keep moving forward.”

These are all things I mentally or even sometimes verbally (yep I’m that crazy runner talking to herself) say when I am on a run/jog/walk/crawl.  

When I am on a long run, I am usually by myself.  I need a shirt that says “Does not run well with others”.  J  Sometimes those long runs get lonely, daunting, L-O-N-G. 

I think this relates to our lives in general.  I hope you are like me and you are blessed with an amazing support system.  This may be family, friends, co-workers, your spouse, human children, furry children, etc.  Even so sometimes you are alone – physically, socially, or mentally.  There are times you have to motivate/support yourself. 

Have you told yourself “I am proud of you!” lately?  It might seem cheesy, but I think it is important.  I am a fan of “counting your blessings” when you are feeling down.  Instead of counting blessings today, maybe think of your efforts lately.  When I am really struggling, I try to think of a few things I have done well recently.  

Some examples –

“I am proud of you for washing the dishes.”

“I am proud of you for working out when you wanted to go home after work.”

“I am proud of you for making time to talk to ____ today.”

“I am proud of you for holding your tongue and not saying what you were thinking.” :)

“I am proud of you for getting out of bed this morning!”

It is so easy to think about what we haven’t done, what we did wrong, what we aren’t good enough at, etc.  A lot of times these thoughts occur in our heads and we don’t voice them to others, which is completely human.  In those situations, we have to be our own cheerleaders.  We have to support and motivate ourselves.

YAY YOU! GO YOU! YOU GOT THIS! ROCK IT!

Buzz Ya Later,

Whit  

Music

Music has always been an important part of my life.  I grew up in a house that was rarely ever silent.  My dad would always have music playing on the weekends.  We would often wake up to “Hakuna Matata”.  Throughout the day Jim Brickman, Yanni, Nora Jones, etc. would be playing.  If my dad wasn’t playing music, my brother was - usually bringing something to the mix that wasn’t mainstream.

I played piano for a couple of years during elementary school – not my thing.  I switched to clarinet in 6^th grade and played until I was a senior in high school.  If music wasn’t playing through some device around me, I was the one making it.

 

Last year there was a commercial (for what I don’t remember), but people were asked to put on headphones.  The person watching the commercial had no idea what they were listening to, but could only see the emotions on their faces.  There was laughter and tears.  Smiles and bliss.  Memories.  Music does that to you. 

Obviously if it is a sad song, it makes you sad and vice versa for happy, upbeat songs.  BUT your emotions connected to a song may have nothing to do with the lyrics or the musical accompaniment.  The song may bring you back to a time in your life – good or bad.  It may remind you of a person or place.  There are few moments in my life that do not have some musical connection. 

You probably have songs that calm you when you are stressed.  Songs that make you wanna dance.  Summer songs.  Winter songs.  Roll down the window and let your hair fly songs. 

Music is powerful. It’s good for the soul!

So next time you are feeling down OR on cloud nine.  Put on your jam.  Turn up the volume.  And let some good music wash over you. 

Buzz Ya Later,

Whit

Moving

While I was growing up, my family moved every 3-4 years.  We never moved across town. It was always across state lines.  Sometimes we moved a few hours away and other times we moved a plane flight away.  I am Nashville, Tennessee born and not raised.  I visit Knoxville, Tennessee yearly because I still have family there, but we moved away from Nashville when I was 4.  Next up was a town outside of Philadelphia, Pennsylvania.  PA saw me growing up from ages 4-7.  I remember a lot of snow and living on a big hill.  PA is the only place that I have yet to return to since moving.  I would love to have the chance to go back and visit.  After PA, we moved to a small town outside of Decatur, Illinois.  The only “small town” I have ever lived in.  A place where you could send your kiddos to a park a mile or more away from your house and not have to worry about them.  A place where small/out of date schools did not mean lack of education.  IL saw me from ages 7 to 11.  Our next move was to a town outside of Cincinnati, Ohio when I was in fourth grade.  In hindsight, I look back and acknowledge that I have learned from all the places I have lived, but besides Texas, Ohio shaped me the most and has had the deepest impact on my life.  Ohio saw me through 7^th grade.  On May 4, 2002, I asked my mom if we were moving.  I asked her that all the time just to hear the sweet word “no”, but that day she just looked at me and I knew.  I remember looking in my elementary atlas to locate Dallas, TX.  Pretty sure the word “wow” came out of my mouth when I saw how far away it was.  Our farthest move yet. 

An art piece I did in 7th grade

I'm no artist, but I tried! :)

If you have ever moved, you know it has its pros and cons.  The process of packing up and moving is a pain, but having new digs to live in can be enjoyable.  Leaving friends behind and going somewhere you know no one is rough, especially as a kiddo.  I’m starting to think it may be even more difficult as an adult.  BUT it is great to make new friends and it forces you to step out of your comfort zone (especially for me as an introvert).

Moving made me who I am today.  Moving made my family stronger because we often only had each other.  Moving gave me new experiences with new people and new places.  Moving means that I find myself often longing to be somewhere else – just to stop by and talk to an old friend in person for a bit or to be able to visit a favorite restaurant or location.  But moving also means that my life is very full.  No matter where I am there always seems to be a “home” that is close.

In life moving doesn’t have to be a physical move, it can also mean moving on.  Your home may stay the same, but when you move on from something important in your life, you often have the same emotions that come with physically moving.  It is difficult.  It is scary.  The possibilities can seem daunting and exciting all at the same time.  You may also find when you look back that it is the best thing that could have happened to you. 

Do you need to make a move in life?  Maybe you need a new place to call home, something new to become passionate about, new friends that will help mold and shape you into who you want to be.  Maybe you need to move on from a relationship.  And my suggestion to you is to move into some “me time” before moving on with someone new.  It will be difficult/scary/risky, but from what moving has taught me – you won’t regret it. 

Buzz Ya Later,

Whit