The Cloud

I experienced The Cloud long before Baby E was born.  Sometimes I would start my day with it looming over my head.  Other days it would slowly cover up the sun that started my day and continue to linger over my head until bedtime.  That is the best way I know how to explain it - like a cloud hanging over my head. 

I knew that with Baby E being born The Cloud had the possibility of coming back and in a way that I had never experienced before.  I thought about this often while pregnant and it went to the forefront of my mind when a couple months ago a sweet young mother from north Texas went missing and then was soon found lifeless.  Her family claimed that she suffered from The Cloud and even though they do not believe that this is what took her life, her story still resonated with me as a soon-to-be mommy at the time. 

The thing about The Cloud is that it is often invisible.  Many people have it hanging over their heads through life and no one ever knows.  Some clouds are darker and might be more obvious while others are so light and high functioning that the person dealing with it may suffer their whole lives with no one knowing unless they choose to share. 

Men and women both can have clouds – even when it comes to babies.

The Cloud did come when we brought Baby E home.  I have never felt homesick in my own home before, but that is the best way I can describe how I felt for at least the first two weeks with having a newborn.  I was home, but it felt different in every way.  In fact, I would do housework like laundry and the dishes (even though they say not to worry about housework and others offered to help) just to feel a bit of the “old normal”.  It was the only part of my life that I felt hadn’t changed.  Baby blues and rollercoaster hormones definitely came in to play, but lasted longer than I thought they would.  Thoughts like “my life is over” and “I have nothing to look forward to” came into my head often.  The stress of spending time with a newborn all day started every morning when I woke up.  I knew my baby is a precious gift and I loved him very much, but I just couldn’t shake The Cloud.  I brought this up with my OBGYN at my six week postpartum checkup.  She made some suggestions that helped me and I am doing much better these days.  If you are a new mom, be open and honest with your OBGYN.  Even if you are embarrassed about how you are feeling or feel like no rational person would feel/think that way.  I guarantee that whatever you are feeling/thinking many other new moms have gone through the same thing.  You are not alone!

If The Cloud is part of your life (in any capacity), please do not deal with it alone.  Let someone know.  It might be a friend, family member, doctor, pastor, counselor, coworker, etc.  Whatever you are going through, someone has gone through it before!  Don’t be embarrassed to ask for help and accept it in whatever form it takes.  You are worth it!

Buzz Ya Later,

Whit

It Takes Two!

From the beginning of a pregnancy, it takes two to tango.  I feel as women we put the pressure on ourselves to get pregnant, stay pregnant, birth a healthy baby, feed baby, raise baby, etc.  At the end of the day, we realize that we could not get pregnant without someone else, but we still put all the pressure on ourselves. 

                

If I have learned anything these first few weeks of having baby home, it’s that it takes TWO – sometimes 3, 4, 5, or more!  I was pretty self-sufficient during my pregnancy.  Occasionally (ok daily) I would ask for a foot/back rub.  I might need someone to drive me to Andy’s – basically lived there during my pregnancy.  Try their Key Lime Pie Concrete before the end of this month!  For the most part, I felt that I could keep baby fed, warm, and comfortable in my womb.  When baby was born, everything changed!

               

For the first few hours, my epidural was wearing off, so I could not get out of bed to change baby or get him out of his bassinet.  Duke was the sole caretaker at that time.  In fact, Duke was doing such a great job, I let him change ALL of the diapers while we were in the hospital.  Why mess with a good thing?? J

               

When Duke left the room for the first time to go load up the car (two days after baby was born), I freaked out!  Baby was sleeping in his bassinet, but immediately began to stir when Duke left.  I had never even lifted him out of the bassinet.  I was able to get baby out and soothe him, but I was extremely relieved when Duke got back from the car.   Side note – hospital bassinets are extremely awkward to get baby in and out of. 

               

Once we were home, I found that everything from feeding to changing to comforting took two!  While feeding, I needed someone to hold baby’s arm so that he would not strong arm me when I was trying to get him to latch.  At first, dirty diaper changes needed two – one holding down legs while the other did the dirty work.  Comforting at times took a tag team effort when Player 1 needed a break.   About a week in, I found out baby wasn’t transferring enough during feedings, so I needed to pump after most feedings to be able to supplement.  I couldn’t settle baby and pump at the same time – enter Player 2!  Also, with pumping and bottle feeding to supplement, there were more “dirty dishes” to clean multiple times daily then we used to have in a week!

              

I knew before Duke returned to work that it was “easier” with two, but I felt the full extent of that on Day 3 alone with baby when he was restless and fussy most of the day.  It is amazing how demanding a tiny human can be.  It is EXTREMELY important to have a supportive partner when carrying, birthing, and/or raising a child.  Partners you are SO IMPORTANT!  You may not be the one carrying baby, birthing baby, or able to breastfeed baby (There are some precious memories that I will have of breastfeeding, BUT I wish that partners magically had the ability to also breastfeed when baby is born!), BUT you are VITAL, NECESSARY, WANTED, NEEDED, etc.  Don’t underestimate your importance in this baby’s and your partner’s life. 

Buzz Ya Later,

Whit

Pour some sugar on me...or not

       I feel like it is common knowledge that being a parent is difficult, but can also be the most rewarding thing to happen in life.  I don’t feel that parents often go into detail about what they mean by “difficult”.  From the pictures of perfectly happy infants on Facebook (yes, there is one of mine too so I am not judging!), it seems that babies are happy, sleepy, and smiley all the time, right??

            When I was visiting my brother and sister-in-law shortly after they had my nephew (pre-baby for me), my sister-in-law said something along the lines of “Everyone sugar coated it for me and I have decided I am not going to sugar coat it for anyone else.  Being a parent is hard.”  I don’t think she knows how powerful those words were.  They stuck with me – obviously!  They are powerful because they are true and they give hope. 

Here is a small glimpse into one moment in my world as a new parent -

Wake baby to feed (because it has been a few hours)

Baby starts crying

Put baby to breast

Baby screams head off

Try different hold

Try different breast

Baby gets more upset

Looks to husband with expression that says “HELP!”

Husband takes baby to calm him

Husband feeds baby from bottle once calm

I am close to tears because I feel I have failed

Baby gets fed, calms down, and goes back to sleep

My head floods with questions/worries anyway -

Will baby ever breastfeed again?

What did I do wrong?

Will the next feeding go the same way?

Was he even hungry?

Should I have just let him sleep?

Is he gaining enough weight?

How can difficulty give hope?  The words that my sister-in-law spoke let me know that I am not the only mom/parent almost in tears and feeling helpless/hopeless at times.  I am not alone.  Every parent (even the smiley baby ones on Facebook) deal with a baby who seems inconsolable sometimes.  And my gosh there are smiley baby moments!  There are “easy” feedings and precious snuggles.  It is not always difficult, but when it is, it can be a challenge to see the light at the end of the tunnel. 

I have never been a glass half full person when it comes to my life.  I’m a little bit of a pessimist.  I used to feel like if I ever got happy and hopeful something would happen to shut down that happiness.  I have learned over the years though that I am so thankful for the difficult times because they make the good times SO MUCH BETTER!  I would take the smiles and snuggles for granted if I didn’t have the moments when I longed for them. 

You may not be a parent, but I am sure you can relate in some area of your life.  I’m not going to sugar coat it – life can be difficult, but you are not alone!  Do not be afraid to reach out and let someone know what you going through.  Ask for help!  Find someone to confide in!  If I have learned anything from becoming a parent, life is not meant to be accomplished by yourself!

Buzz Ya Later,

Whit

What's Your Purpose?

I was listening to a podcast the other day (The Fat Burning Man – Niyi Sobo: How to Think Like a Pro Athlete).  Niyi Sobo is a former professional football player.  He was commenting on superior athletes and the purposes that drove them.  He noted  the mundane practices that they had that led to their successes “on the field”.  He mentioned that there were times when they did not want to go to the grind.  He emphasized that it was a deeper purpose that got them out of bed every morning, motivated them to complete drills, inspired them to follow certain diets, etc.  Sometimes the purpose was to be a successful athlete or to make a lot of money.  Other times there was a deeper purpose.  He used Muhammad Ali as an example and said that Ali’s driving passion was not boxing, but was to inspire, help, and motivate inner city youth.  His high status in the boxing arena allowed him to have a significant positive impact on others.

I think the goal of our lives is to determine our purpose and to live our days pursuing activities that feed that purpose. 

An example - A college student may have the goal of one day owning her own coffee shop.  She pursues a business degree even though some of the courses may be dull and works at a variety of coffee shops part time in order to learn more about the business.  She may not be living her dream every day, but she is pursuing activities that feed her purpose.

Sometimes you are able to feed your purpose at a young age or on a daily basis.  Others have to wait patiently – maybe they feed it once a year on a special trip or their purpose is met at retirement or even later in life. 

For today, determine what your purpose is.  What are you working for?  What do you really want out of life?  Even if you can’t do it today, spend every day feeding that purpose and working toward it.